The Role of Emotions in the Divorce Process
How to Handle Emotions During Divorce
Divorce is considered one of the most significant and challenging crises in a person’s life. The emotions experienced during a divorce are often intense and include anger, fear, insult, hurt pride, insecurity, and the desire for revenge. These emotions arise as the parties involved face practical, existential questions such as: Where will they live after the separation? How will their relationship with their children be? How will they support themselves and their children? What will their daily routine look like post-divorce? And other aspects that will shape their future life.
The presence of these intense emotions during discussions about the practical aspects of divorce makes it difficult to have a productive dialogue and reach practical solutions (Kelly 2002). From my experience as a divorce mediator, the more emotional discourse dominates the parties reactions, the harder it will be to arrive at practical solutions. Therefore, only when both parties can successfully manage their subjective emotions can they reach agreements on how life will look after the divorce. However, since some emotions stem from real concerns about the future, it’s impossible to avoid addressing the practical questions that will shape the future while also managing the emotions involved.
Reducing Negative Emotions and Enhancing Positive Ones During Divorce
Based on our experience, there are several ways to reduce negative emotions and enhance positive ones during the divorce process:
- Declaration of Cooperation: Each party can publicly declare, to the other party and to their extended family, that despite the existing emotions, they understand that the other party is not an adversary but a partner in raising the children. This partnership will continue throughout life, and they commit to respecting the other party and seeking solutions together that will allow both to achieve their goals and live with dignity. This should be done while also protecting the declarant’s own interests and understanding that ideal solutions for them depend on achieving the other party’s goals. Such a clear and public statement can help prevent misunderstandings and deepen the crisis of trust between the parties.
- Avoiding Legal Actions and Legal Discourse: Legal discourse in divorce sharpens disputes and polarizes positions in an attempt to create a sense of legal superiority (which often lacks a substantial and guaranteed basis). Declaring that one party will avoid legal discourse and implementing this statement in practice will lead to the other party feeling more at ease. They will understand that despite the legal aspects of divorce, they will determine the outcome together with the other parent, as they did throughout their shared years. Understanding that managing the conflict can and should remain in the hands of the parents allows for productive dialogue.
- Respecting the Other’s Emotions: Each party can listen to the other party’s statements regarding their emotions and reflect that they understand the difficulty and the subjective emotional state without undermining their own feelings and personal frustrations. Understanding the other party’s perspective does not necessarily mean agreeing with their feelings, but it creates a sense of respect and understanding and allows for the beginning of healing and reconciliation with the emotional aspects of the divorce. Acknowledging the other party’s emotions also enables emotional ventilation, focusing on the practical issues at hand.
- Focusing on the Future: The more the conversation revolves around future issues that have not yet occurred (and can therefore still be influenced), the more the parties can start imagining their life after the separation. The clearer and more detailed the future appears in terms of each party’s daily routine, economic conduct, place of residence, decision-making processes, etc., the easier it will be for the parties to come to terms with the past and focus on creating a better future for themselves and their children.
- Transparency: One of the biggest fears in divorce proceedings is that the other party will surprise them and, without warning, take unilateral actions that will harm them and place them at a disadvantage (in their perception). At this point, it is worth mentioning that the fear of unilateral actions is usually based on emotional insecurity rather than legal aspects. This is because it is impossible to determine whether and how a unilateral action will improve the initiating party’s situation. On the contrary, it can be predicted with high certainty that it will escalate tensions between the parties and harm their daily dialogue regarding the children. Therefore, I recommend acting with full transparency towards the other party and ensuring they are aware of any unusual steps being taken. If there is even the slightest fear that a certain step might be perceived as unilateral and harmful to the other party, it is advisable to inform them in advance of what is planned and obtain their consent.
- Not Acting Under Pressure: The emotional turmoil experienced by a person during divorce is the worst time to make life-changing decisions. Both parties need to understand that the divorce process is a long one, and its effects will accompany both parents and the children throughout their lives. Therefore, it is recommended to wait before reacting and only do so after calming down and thoroughly examining the interests and emotions driving the parties.
- Defining Goals and Objectives: The clearer and more tangible each party can define their personal and family goals post-divorce in terms of career aspirations, relationships, leisure, and other aspects of life, the more they can navigate the divorce process toward their desired outcome. Conversely, the less defined these goals are, the more the party will be swept into legal discourse, defining goals they think they can claim legally. In addition to escalating the discourse, these goals may not necessarily match the individual’s needs and interests, ultimately leading to them winning the legal battle but losing their personal goals.
- Choosing the Right Advisors: Many professionals provide various services to each party in the world of divorce. Proper use of advisors’ advice allows for a broad and comprehensive view of the possible reality for each party’s actions. However, in most cases, the parties choose to consult only one advisor, who is a lawyer. Lawyers’ understanding is limited to the legal aspects of the issues at hand. This legal advice does not consider psychological, anthropological, neurological, emotional, and other aspects driving the other party and influencing every step they take. These broader aspects are the ones that actually determine how the divorce will proceed. Therefore, it is recommended to choose an advisor knowledgeable in divorce matters from a comprehensive perspective, seeing the legal aspects as a small part of the conflict resolution process. Their perspective should be optimistic, aiming to create mechanisms that will allow for a good life for both parents and the children after the divorce.
- Personal Empowerment and Emotional Support: It is recommended that anyone going through a divorce seek emotional support to provide themselves with tools to cope with the situation and its extensive implications. When a person manages to express and deal with their emotions outside the negotiation table and in the presence of the other party, they allow themselves and the other party to focus on the practical issues at hand and maintain optimal and productive dialogue.