One of the most complex cases that come into my mediation room is when a couple is going through a divorce, and one of the parents suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Whether the PTSD is due to military service, sexual assault, or any other painful and severe experience, the process is almost always complicated and requires a great deal of patience and sensitivity from both the “healthy” parent and the mediator.
Divorcing someone with PTSD requires a slow and gradual progression, despite the initiating party’s desire to move quickly. One of the difficult aspects to grasp in these situations is that in order to bring the family to a safe and stable place, the “healthy” parent (who usually initiates the divorce) must exercise immense patience and sensitivity. This is because, with individuals suffering from PTSD, responses can be irrational and may lead to unnecessary escalation, harming everyone involved without justification. Such reactions from a divorcing parent with PTSD can lead to extreme situations, after which it may take a long time to repair the damage and get back on track.
In this short article, I want to offer some tools that can significantly shorten the divorce process from a person with PTSD and prevent major harm to the parents and children.
An Example of a Complicated Case
“We should have gone straight to mediation and avoided the terrible legal system…” This statement was made to me by a young woman, a mother who wanted to divorce her husband suffering from PTSD due to his military service and found herself in a legal turmoil she didn’t understand.
It all began, according to her, with her lawyer’s advice to open a conflict resolution case in court as the first step. The lawyer “forgot” to explain that this move would prompt the husband to hire his own combative attorney, leading to a legal battle. Within weeks, the woman found herself drowning in legal jargon she didn’t understand, with interpretations that could go either way. The legal discourse led to severe escalation between the parents, and as a result, the father’s mental state deteriorated to the point of threatening self-harm. By this time, social services (justifiably) got involved to ensure her and the children’s safety, but they too would have preferred to avoid the entire saga. And it all started, as you recall, with a small letter, a nominal attorney fee, and a 100 shekel court filing fee.
In our phone conversation, I explained to her how to bring the PTSD-affected father into the mediation room, but it was clear to both of us that if we had spoken before the first letter was sent, she would be in a much better place today. The purpose of this article is to give others who are about to divorce someone suffering from PTSD the knowledge and tools to do it right and avoid the legal battle that this woman and many others, unaware of the mediation option in these situations, found themselves in.
It’s Crucial to Stay in Control, Especially in Cases of PTSD in Divorce
When one party in a divorce process is dealing with mental illness or trauma, it’s crucial to avoid combative legal proceedings as much as possible. The reason is simple: the more the other party feels attacked, the more they will withdraw and see you as their enemy. A mentally healthy person can separate the legal battle from what is best for the child. They can understand that the other parent’s disagreement is not an attempt to hurt them or their role as a parent but a desire for security and stability. On the other hand, someone not mentally well might interpret steps taken to ensure security and stability for the parent and children as combative actions intended to cause harm and pain. This could push them into a “fight or flight” mentality, leading to terrible actions. Unfortunately, in the past, Israel has seen shocking cases where intense rivalry between parents, one of whom had mental illness, led to extreme situations, including harm to the children. These cases always started with legal proceedings that spiraled out of control, leading to a clear conclusion: when there is emotional instability in one party during divorce proceedings, therapeutic professionals must be involved, their advice must be followed, and legal combativeness should be avoided as much as possible.
Be Prepared – It’s a Long Process
Divorce is inherently complex because it involves separating parents who have shared a life together and have joint property and children. Every divorce process involves financial fears, a desire to protect the children, feelings of disappointment and anger, complex logistical questions, and more. I’ve written extensively on the question “How to divorce?” and the clear conclusion is always that the best way to divorce is through mediation.
There is a direct line connecting the length of the process to the emotional state of the parties. The more complex the emotional state, the longer the process will take. Despite the initiating party’s desire to speed up the process after having gone through the stages of grieving the divorce, the pace of progress depends on the time the other party needs to process the divorce and its implications. The stronger the emotional resilience of the notified party, the easier it will be for them to engage in the process and bring it to a successful conclusion as soon as possible. Conversely, someone with less emotional resilience will need additional time to process the situation and prepare for the practical changes.
The conclusion is simple – if you want to divorce quickly, you need to “ease off the gas” and adjust to the other party’s pace. When the other party feels they are not being pressured or cornered, they will eventually be able to engage in the process and divorce peacefully. No one wants to be in a relationship where they are not wanted, but sometimes it just takes time to recognize that
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What to Do in Extreme Situations?
If there is a fear of harm to the children or one of the parties, report it to the Israeli police and seek guidance and support. It’s also highly recommended to immediately consult a social worker who specializes in the issue or a qualified psychologist and receive guidance and tools for dealing with the situation correctly.
If the extreme situation occurs during mediation, inform the mediator and work with them to lower the tension and bring calm as quickly as possible.
Ongoing Interaction with Children During the Process
Children whose parents are going through a divorce and do not communicate well are harmed. This is a general truth relevant to all divorce processes. To prevent harm to the children and even to empower them during the crisis, parents must separate their disagreements from what is best for the children. This means that regarding the children, the parents must be coordinated and present a united front on issues like education, health, and logistical arrangements.
When divorcing someone dealing with PTSD, the need for clear and positive communication increases significantly. Without good communication between the parents, the parent with PTSD may act in ways that harm the children, such as involving them in the parental dispute, sharing the pain they feel from the other parent, or using the child to pass negative messages between the parents. Such actions scar the children emotionally, causing them great difficulty, especially in early childhood but also in later years.
Relevant Advisors and Supporters During the Divorce Process from Someone with PTSD
In any divorce process, especially those involving parents with emotional challenges, I invite anyone in the parent’s circle who can help bring peace and calm during the turbulent divorce period to do everything they can to ease the burden on the parents and children.
These people can be family members, friends, or colleagues who have a supportive and sensitive nature and can serve as an emotional support for the divorcing parent. Their role is not to advise or stir conflict but simply to be there for the parent. They should allow them to cry on their shoulder and offer them a comforting embrace during difficult days. The presence of such people in the divorce process can bring calm to the divorcing parent and allow them to take a deep breath and see the bigger, long-term picture necessary for creating a safe and stable future for themselves and their children.
On the other hand, I strongly recommend distancing those who seek to escalate positions and stir conflict and not cooperating with them. Often, I see on social media how those who have experienced the hardest divorces become the loudest advisors. Unfortunately, these are often people who have gone through or are still going through their own severe trauma in divorce, and any discussion on the topic triggers their most intense emotions. Their intentions are not malicious, but due to their own severe trauma, they fail to separate their difficult and painful personal experience from that of the parent divorcing someone with PTSD.
Regarding legal discussions and advice when divorcing someone with PTSD, I suggest asking any advisor the following questions to ensure that the advice is genuinely for the parent’s benefit and will not lead to unnecessary escalation:
- How will the steps you are advising help me reach my goals, and when?
- Are you willing to commit that what you are advising will indeed happen?
- Is your advice based on law or legal precedent? If it’s based on law, ask to see the law. If it’s based on precedent, remember that there are different rulings for similar cases, meaning the other parent could receive conflicting advice based on different precedents.