Anyone who has gone through a divorce or witnessed one knows that it is one of the most challenging, complex, and painful experiences a person can endure. Divorce is a loss, a form of grief, that is emotionally similar to the experience of losing a spouse through death. In both cases, you are dealing with the end of a relationship, which requires a long and significant healing process. However, in the case of widowhood, there is no one to blame for the pain, whereas, in divorce, your ex-partner is still present in your life and the lives of your children, which often leads to blaming them for the situation. This creates a difficult emotional conflict because, on one hand, you are mourning the separation, and on the other hand, you may feel anger towards your ex-partner.
Understanding and acknowledging this complex emotional situation is one of the key factors in navigating a divorce through dialogue and mutual agreements. It is a crucial stage that both parents must go through to move on with their lives and build a new partnership that creates the best conditions for raising their children in cooperation and with positive communication.
From my experience with many couples who have come to me for mediation to separate, I can say that even in the most complicated and complex cases, it was only when both sides were allowed to fully express their range of emotions that they were able to cope with the difficulty of ending the marriage. Additionally, it helped them to see a much clearer and more positive future if they worked together, maintained continuous and positive communication, and avoided unnecessary conflicts.
Nevertheless, even when addressing all the emotional aspects involved in a separation, the divorce process is still difficult and painful, leading each person to confront many questions about their life, past, and future. Most people are familiar with the five stages of grief as outlined by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the late 1960s. Here, we will look at those stages and adapt them to the grieving process in divorce, with the goal of recognizing and dealing with them during the uncertainty that surrounds anyone going through a divorce.
Understanding the Five Stages of Grief in Divorce
The five stages of grief, as described by Kübler-Ross, are: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Stage One: Denial and Isolation
This is the stage where one spouse begins to understand that the marriage is over and that divorce is imminent. Since this represents a dramatic life change, they may develop survival mechanisms, the most prominent of which are denial and isolation.
At this stage, the spouse may deny the reality that the marriage has ended and simultaneously suppress and postpone any discussion about it. Whether they initiated the separation or are on the receiving end of the news, the realization that the separation is becoming real often leads to denial and avoidance. To maintain this denial and avoid dealing with the issue of divorce, the person in this stage tends to isolate themselves and distance from their partner. This is their way of avoiding conversations that would make the divorce feel real. This stage requires a great deal of patience from the initiating spouse, as they have already progressed further through the grieving process, while the other spouse is just beginning to cope.
Stage Two: Anger
This stage marks the tangible beginning of the separation, which is why it is so challenging. At this point, each spouse understands that they must stop thinking as a pair and begin to adjust to thinking as an individual. This transition is especially difficult after a long marriage. Because this adjustment is so complex and requires significant emotional resources, the spouses tend to blame each other for the situation, vilify one another, and become angry, if only to have the ability to emotionally and mentally separate.
In reality, this stage often manifests as loud arguments, a desire for revenge, turmoil, existential anxiety, hatred, and an overwhelming flood of negative emotions. During this stage, a person is particularly vulnerable, so it is important for those around them to understand this and the difficulties involved, to offer support, and to avoid letting them make decisions out of anger, as this could lead to a legal battle that could cause serious harm and irreparable damage to their children. The best way to act during this critical point is to recognize that it is just another stage, where all feelings are valid, while also remembering that it is not the right time to make decisions. The time for action will come when the spouse is calm and can see the bigger picture with clarity (which will happen during the acceptance stage).
Stage Three: Bargaining
In this stage, the spouse begins to think more rationally and balanced, and as a result, they start trying to find the best solutions for themselves in the divorce process. The closer they are to accepting that the relationship is over, the more the bargaining stage will focus on post-divorce arrangements. On the other hand, the less willing the spouse is to accept the separation, the more the bargaining stage will focus on whether or not to divorce, with attempts to preserve the marriage, even if its essence is gone.
Stage Four: Depression
At this stage, the spouse truly realizes that the marriage is over and that the actual separation is now just a matter of time. This stage brings with it a flood of fears and concerns about the future, to the point where the spouse feels they cannot bear the heavy burden on their shoulders. This stage is characterized by an inability to function both at home and at work, withdrawal, and internal retreat. This stage can last for a short time or for many months the duration depends on the individual’s personality and their belief in their ability to recover from crises and adapt to changes in their life. People who are naturally prone to depression may find themselves in this stage for a longer period, while those with a stronger mental constitution may get through it within weeks or a few months. When a spouse is in the depression stage, the wise and right thing to do is to give them the time they need to heal and hope that they seek professional emotional support from a qualified therapist.
Stage Five: Acceptance
This is the stage where the spouse begins to feel a sense of relief about the divorce. At this point, they start to see the opportunities that will open up for them after the divorce process is complete. They begin to listen to stories from divorced friends who talk about the good life they discovered after the separation and the many benefits of the new life ahead. As time goes by and the spouse comes to terms with the fact that their marriage has ended, they are able to let go of the negative emotions that accompanied them throughout the process and look forward to the future with optimism and see the opportunities and advantages it holds.
Conclusion
Everyone who goes through a divorce experiences all five stages of grief. Some people get through them quickly and easily, while others may take years to reach the final stage. How the crisis unfolds largely depends on the understanding that this is a complex and significant emotional process that cannot be rushed without consistent and broad emotional support. Therefore, to protect the well-being of the children during this process, it is important that both divorcing spouses and those around them are aware of the stages of grief and recognize where each spouse is in the process at any given time. This understanding will greatly help the person going through the divorce to grow and allow for a smoother transition into their new life.