The Role of Extended Family in Divorce
When a couple with children goes through a divorce, it’s not just the two of them who are affected, The entire extended family experiences the impact of the divorce in one way or another. The parents, siblings, and even cousins of the couple all play a role, whether large or small, in the lives of the divorcing family.
Expecting the extended family not to influence the divorce process is unrealistic. When a close family member is in crisis, it naturally stirs emotions among all relatives. Grandparents see their children suffering and may fear losing their bond with their grandchildren. Siblings feel empathy and might project the divorce crisis onto their own lives, and cousins are influenced by their parents and grandparents. This situation can create a whirlwind of family emotions that undoubtedly affects the divorcing couple and their children.
The question, then, is whether the extended family’s involvement can be turned into supportive engagement that helps the couple navigate the divorce in the best possible way.
Since it’s clear that the extended family plays a part in the divorce process, it’s important for the divorcing couple to communicate their needs and expectations to their families. The clearer these expectations are, the easier it will be to get through this challenging time. Here are a few guidelines to consider sharing with your extended family when entering a divorce process:
Avoid Unsupervised Conversations with the Children – Sometimes, extended family members, with good intentions, talk to the children, trying to gather information or offer support. When these conversations aren’t coordinated with the parents and boundaries about what can and cannot be said aren’t set, they can lead to confusion and fear in the children, making it harder for the parents to manage the crisis. Therefore, any conversation with the children related to the divorce should be handled with great care and, as much as possible, in coordination with the parents.
Be Supportive and Sensitive – It’s crucial that the extended family supports and shows understanding and sensitivity, avoiding any actions that might escalate tensions or create more fears. There are already plenty of external influences trying to create anxiety for each divorcing partner. The natural trust that a person has in their family should become a source of strength. Family members tend to listen more deeply to each other than they do to friends or strangers.
Maintain a Good Relationship with the Other Spouse – While it’s possible that your family member going through the divorce will speak badly about their spouse and share the hurtful things they did, it’s important to remember that they are in a painful trust crisis. This might cause them to exaggerate situations to paint themselves as the victim and the other as the villain. This is a natural reaction and typically fades over time (unless there’s severe abuse involved). To ensure that both parents can continue to function well in raising their children, it’s essential to listen to your family member without encouraging them to deepen their anger or take actions that could worsen the situation.
Remember There Are Two Sides to Every Story – The other spouse also has a family, and they may be advising them to act aggressively. The best way to avoid a conflict is not to engage in one and to act out of control rather than fear. If possible, maintaining contact with the extended family of the other spouse is advisable, as it can help in sending calming messages and ensuring that the situation doesn’t spiral out of control.